What I Would Write About If Not Gluten


I Can Write About Stuff!

Like most of the world, a little over a year ago I had zero gluten knowledge. I knew Elisabeth Hasselbeck had Celiac disease, because I know everything about Elisabeth Hasselbeck, but beyond that I was unclear on what it all meant. Yet, the minute I was forced to drop my baguette and pick up some rice flour biscuits, I threw myself into the gluten-free world of fun. So much fun.

The fact is, if I’d never been diagnosed with the sprue, not only would I weigh about 90 pounds right now and never leave my bathroom, I would also be writing an entirely different blog. Boggles the mind, doesn’t it? In addition to my “Wow, I look great at only 90 lbs!” blog, I’m pretty sure these four blogs would exist right now too.

Saturns Are My Bitch

I hate those cars to an irrational degree. Any time I see a Saturn sedan I just shake my head and wonder if the driver also enjoys white bread toast with margarine and “Two And a Half Men.” My husband doesn’t understand it and thinks I should seek therapy surrounding my Saturn-hate. I think I should probably just blog about it.

Resort Towns Are My Bitch

Don’t get me wrong, I love me a vacation. What confounds me are the people who actually live year round in places like Key West, Martha’s Vineyard, and I would say Santa Barbara but my husband and his family are from there and I swear, this isn’t a passive-aggressive way of insulting them all. (If it was, then it would just be straight-up aggressive, really.) Regardless, my point is, unless you’re in the service industry, how can you stand living in paradise every day? Where do YOU vacation? Detroit? (Again, my friends in Detroit, no hate. After all, I live in Los Angeles.)

Food Trucks Are My Bitch

Actually, I used to love food trucks. But now they just taunt me with their gourmet grilled cheese, Banh Mis, and massive cross-contamination. So I guess this would be a post-diagnosis blog, unless I started blaming food trucks for me getting sick all of the time because I didn’t know about the devil gluten. I could totally see me doing that. Stupid food trucks.

Bitches Are My Bitch

I actually hate the word “bitch.” I know, I’m making no sense right now. But up until this blog, I avoided the word like the plague. And now I will only use it as a noun, never an adjective to describe a lady. I’m fucking classy like that.

What’s Your Bitch?

9 Comments

Filed under Celiac Disease, Uncategorized

9 responses to “What I Would Write About If Not Gluten

  1. Saturns are my bitch is dead on. My parents used to have a Saturn Vue, but sold it not even after owning it a year because they thought it smelled funny. And not that new car smell. Guess they weren’t cut out for white toast with margarine and Two and a Half Men. Actually Two and a Half Men is my bitch would be my non-gluten free blog. God, I can’t stand that show.

    I hate to say I’m glad gluten is your bitch, but I do love reading your gluten free adventures!

  2. Two and Half Men does need an entire blog devoted to its suckiness.

    And that’s totally disturbing about your parent’s Saturn.

  3. Kardashians are my bitch.
    ‘Nuff said, no?
    xo,
    BS

  4. I want to say internet commenters are my bitch, but here I am. . . commenting!

  5. Derek

    I want to second that food trucks are my bitch statement. I too am from la and boy boy are theyre some mighty tasty trucks… 99% pile on double gluten. Screw em!! Actually lets join them? Start our own? Possible truck names: GFree4Me. Or Celiyeeeaah!

  6. Derek

    Ihear you. waiting on LA to wake up. I recently took a trip to Portland, OR and what a difference! with only 500k population up there they managed to have GF and celiac practices everywhere. I found an ALL GF fish and chips place and an ALL hard cider bar yumm. LA has a pop of nearly 10 million :( whats up widat? No less celiacs down here thats for sure.

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