Dudes, I got gluten’d. I’m not naming names, as it was a very nice establishment that worked hard to accommodate me, and they are looking into the whole situation and even going over protocols with their kitchen staff. So, nice people. Bad gluten’ing. The point is, I’ve got to move on from this situation that knocked me out for 24 hours, resulting in my children forgetting who I was, and my husband checking his life insurance policy/dating prospects.
There are certain things I used to do when I got sick before my diagnosis that involved crackers. Now that I know that crackers are the spawn of Satan (except for these!), I have a few other tricks up my sleeve that can help me get back on my feet and away from the bowl. Ten of them in fact.
Here’s how you (okay, I, because I’m not guaranteeing this system will work for ANYONE) can get over getting gluten’d in 10 fun ways.
1. Eat Steak
This one actually should be obvious, since when you have a serious gluten incident you begin to behave just like a rabid dog. Raw, in ground form, in a gluten-free stew, in a petite filet — whatever your body desires. Eat it up to quiet your rumbling stomach and your caveman-like instincts.
2. Drink Water
When I mentioned to a friend that I felt hung over without enjoying the “Whoooooo! I’m a Golden God!” part, she said, “Umm, yeah, because you’re dehydrated.” So, drink water peoples.
3. Avoid Gluten
Another one that should be obvious, however who hasn’t been in the middle of a bad gluten’ing and had this thought: Well, since I’m already sick . . . ?
4. Sleep For Like 20 Hours
Assuming you aren’t living in the bathroom (and I know that’s a huge assumption), just take to your bed. Really. When else will you have the temporary excuse to just shut down? Don’t wait until you break a limb to do this, you’ll just be cranky and immobile.
5. Have Sex
Hahaha. No, you’re not going to want to have sex, and quite frankly it won’t make you feel better. What it will do is prove exactly how loyal your significant other is to you, and if he can hang when you’re at your most disgusting.
6. Write Nasty Letters
Just in general. Start thinking about who you really hate, and go for it. Just like when you’re pregnant, if anyone reacts badly you can always say you were totally out of your mind and really didn’t mean the part about how you’re a miserable asshole and you’re going to die alone. Don’t forget to keep your fingers crossed behind your back.
7. Clean Your House
Again, hahahahahaha! Just kidding! NEVER clean your house. Especially not in the middle of a gluten’ing.
8. Bake Gluten-Free Cookies
You may not feel like eating anything right now, but say you’ve been looking for a great reason to gorge on a huge batch of the best peanut butter cup cookies of your life? Now’s the time my friends. Now is the time.
9. Call Your Mother
Because honestly, she’s the only person who really gives a crap that you just got gluten’d.
10. Start a Blog
Because clearly everyone in the world LOVES to hear about you crapping your pants. Amiright?
How do you get over a gluten’ing?