Explaining “Gluten Is My Bitch” To Every Generation


I love these people

I love these people

Well, that was a fine howdy doody yesterday at the Celiac Disease Foundation conference. Holy moly, the gluten-haters were out in droves and I got to meet some of YOU guys. My awesome readers and fighters in the crusade against crapping your pants. You. Are. Awesome. See above for some of the awesome, but rest assured there are many more of you. Many, many, more. One of whom brought me this gluten-free churro cupcake that’s only made once a year, on May 5th in Pasadena.

gluten is my bitchWTF? Amazing. Also, I really need about 20 more of these because I’m now totally addicted. So thanks for that Stef. No, really.

There were, however, a few uncomfortable moments that naturally come when you’re out trying to hock your book called Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free. Not to be an ageist, because I’m still chuckling over the septagenarian who screamed in delight when she saw my book and promptly called me a bitch. She was awesome. But between the mom who was shielding her tween from my booth, and the gentlemen who asked me what I meant, exactly, I realized I might have some ‘splaining to do. So I’ve worked it out, by age.

The Older Generation

This kind man was not the only of the elder crew who was confused by my title. (Again, I have plenty of fans of all ages, who are on this tip. Yet.) After I sent my mother my book she was so proud she showed it all over the assisted living facility. And then she had to explain it to them. Yet, because of that gd dementia, she wasn’t sure what she was explaining. She struggled a bit and then said, “It’s like irritating, right?”

My first thought was to go deep with the explanation, and then I thought, do I really want to explain prison rape? And how it is somehow now considered funny? Not the rape, the phrase, and, oh never mind.  Also annoying? My mom isn’t that old. If it weren’t for this gd dementia, she would have gotten the joke. She would have been appalled, but she would’ve gotten it. So what I said to the gentlemen at my booth was this: I take control of it, so it won’t take control of me. That guy was still confused, but what am I supposed to do? Go back to the prison rape thing?

Anyhoo.

Kids

As you can see my own kids are quite comfortable around the GIMB.

gluten is my bitchOf course my daughter calls it “Gluten Is My Bench” and my son can’t read. I also told a nice lady—who was very concerned about her children—that my kids don’t hear me calling my husband a bitch around the house, and vice versa, so they have no idea the larger context of the word. As long as the hubs and I refrain from cursing each other out on the regular, I think my kids will get that this is a word for a funny book title, and is not meant to harm anyone, least of all, women. For now I (again) avoid the prison rape analogy, and go with “I hate gluten, man.” And everyone nods and agrees that gluten, is indeed, my enemy.

I’m just skipping everyone over the age of 16 and under say, 90. You guys get it. And if you don’t, well you see sometimes in prison one inmate makes another inmate (presumably the weaker inmate) his “bitch” and basically rapes him. It’s horrible, obvs. But at some point this phrase of “making someone my bitch” crossed over into popular, non-incarcerated culture, and became a term anytime you wanted to kick ass and take names. Proper usage: “My vegetable garden is my bitch, guys” or “I just made table tennis my bitch.”

All right, everyone clear? RAD.

Gluten Is My Bitch comes out tomorrow. TOMORROW. WHOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!!

18 Comments

Filed under Celiac Disease, Uncategorized

18 responses to “Explaining “Gluten Is My Bitch” To Every Generation

  1. I’m so bummed I missed you this year! I went to the CDF Conference last year…maybe I should have saved up and went this year instead!!

    I love that your daughter calls it “Gluten is my Bench” that is so hilarious and cute.

    I pre-ordered your book and I’m so excited for its arrival! Yay! Just in time for Celiac Awareness Month….great planning!

  2. Your blog has the absolute best name for a gluten-related blog that I think I will ever see (similarly with the book). I’m a little jealous of its genius. Speaking of which, people are bound to misunderstand and folks will always find ways to be offended, yaknow, unless you wanna be all boring and shit.

    I’m not sure what it says about me, but I’m eager to share both–partly to see the reaction. :-)

  3. Linda

    I LOVE the name of your book and blog!! I met you at the conference, and I can see that both you, and your book have a lot of moxie. “Gluten is my bitch,” as a phrase, is all at once funny, and hopeful, showing me that you have taken control of Celiac Disease with humor and wit. If and when you make shirts, with this catch phrase, I’d like to be the first to buy one!!! Congratulations on the release of your book and I wish you lots of success.

    • So nice to meet you Linda!!! And thanks. I seriously need to get on the shirt and button thing. Srsly.

      • I second the call for some good GIMB merch. Hell, you could get rich and find a cure–or, yaknow, an edible GF donut. Yeah, I’m guessing the donut. Either way, a win for celiacs everywhere.

      • I’d particularly like some version of your old banner–gluteny bread being smashed under foot like the spawn of hell that it is. One of my favorite scenes from the Passion too. I digress.

  4. “the crusade against crapping your pants”. I just love you ; )

  5. Sooo good to meet you. I literally got a coffee across the street afterwards & began the book :)

  6. St.Aint

    Once upon a time there was a lady of a certain age who was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Her life was, essentially over. She,of whom the angels wept with joy when she baked her challah- she, who could bring any man to his knees with her chocolate chip cookies, she- oh well you get the idea.
    I did not accept the diagnosis with grace, and when YEARS passed on the gluten-free diet and she did NOT feel better, nor did she lose 40 lbs as was guaranteed by various Paleoites…lets just say I put the capital “B” in beeyatch.
    Then the kindly Snark Fairy led me to your website. Blessings abound. Laughter, solace, help and support generously laced with black humor and thankfully non-pc language. If I never hear another gf related platitude it’ll be too soon.
    And I think that the “bitch” reference is pure genius. Most of the time the food restrictions makes me feel like I’m in some kind of diet Leavenworth with a greasy tattooed hulk at my back threatening my tender nether regions with assault and battery.
    Congratulations on the book, the blog and the sheer inspired bitchiness of your being. May you continue to Get Your Bitch On for many years and many more books.

  7. Omg – that churro cupcake…yuuuummmmmm!

  8. Loved meeting you the other day and so glad to add you to my GF blogroll. I’ve been telling everyone about the pins and I’m so bummed you ran out. Produce the crap out of those babies… they truly show your awesomeness.

  9. Glad you liked the cupcake <3 Meeting you was amazing!
    This is where I got it from http://www.confexioncupcakes.com/ They have amazing flavors that pop up occasionally, totally mouth watering. They update their facebook with the flavors of the day.
    ;) Love you and your blog as always! Thanks for the shout out.

  10. Amy

    your website saved my Disney Vacation. I personally LOVE the title, and pass out your website to anyone willing to be enlightened. No one questions the people who have a nut, dairy or shellfish allergy.
    I’ve learned to own my Gluten “problem”, I love not being sick and controlling how how good I feel (by not eating gluten)!
    Rock on!

  11. tara

    i love the title of your blog and book. and i think its funny….i think your right kids (though sadly probably only under say 10 now a days) and old peeps just won’t get it but that’s good. i mean do you want a book title that 90 year olds get ? and you know how something is on tv and they tell parents “use it as a teachable moment with your kids”….well maybe these same parents need to have a “teachable moment with their elderly parents”. hahaha. its funny i can’t even imagine anyone shielding their kids from your booth. people gotta chil-ax ! probably the same people have shot guns all over their house that they are not shielding their kids from….just sayin…

  12. Kate

    Hey there April,
    Just started reading your book Down Under (obviously I mean Australia and nothing pervy!- my nether regions are not literate) I was in the local bookshop and picked it up, not sure how long I was stood there for before I realised people were looking at me. I don’t know if it was the tears streaming down my cheeks or my howls of laughter that made them do it but I quickly paid for it and walked out. I then bought myself a GF savoury muffin and sat in the car and read the first chapter whilst trying to gather all the crumbs that once resembled a muffin. Clearly the bakery had not heard of Xanthan Gum!
    Anyway, love the book, if it helps people to stop crapping their pants then that’s great. Things are getting better in Oz, manufacturers are slowly realising their is a real need for Gluten Free products and it’s pretty exciting when I find something new in the supermarket. Sadly M & M’s here contain gluten which is a real bummer :(
    I am looking forward to reading the rest of the book,
    Kate
    ex pant crapper.

    • Kate! Thank you so much, and I’m glad you’re in the ex-pant crapper club. I’ve heard Australia is definitely getting better for the gluten-free, glad you think so too.

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