Gluten Bullying? What the What?

Kick Some Ass, Kiddo

So this is apparently a thing. Bullying kids who have food allergies. I got this note from the lovely people at Food Allergy Research & Education where they filled me in on the sad fact that about a third of kids with food allergies say they’ve been bullied, specifically because of said food allergies. Then I watched this PSA they sent me, and I cried a little.

Good News for the GF Kid + Amazing Secret Recipe

Well, lots of good news. First, my the GF kid does not have to be gf anymore! Unless, of course, she’s eating in my house. Do you see how happy she is? It’s almost like she was at Disneyland. (Ed note: She was totally at Disneyland)

So here’s the thing. Back when I was all, holy f&*k my kid is a celiac, it turns out that blood test was a false positive. The endoscopy shows all clear, and the biopsy the same. This is great news. It does not mean that I won’t always be looking over her shoulder for gluten (and the same goes for her tiny brother), but for now I’m going to try really, really, hard to act like she’s 100%. I wonder if you have this problem too.

Even with the blood test and the endoscopy, I’m scared for my girl. It does not help that she looks like me, she does—on occasion—talk like me, and tears through chapter books like me. Wait. I mean, when I was a kid. I can totally read more than chapter books now, you guys. So I’m trying to be only excited, and not excited + worried. I’d love to just put this all behind me. Which is why we’re going to go ahead and do that genetic test. Until then, I reserve the right to worry about my kids. I mean, duh.

But there’s more good news! I’m going to teach you guys how to make a Wendy’s Frosty in your own damn home. You know why? Going to Wendy’s is going to make you very sad if you can’t eat a cheeseburger. Also, YOU CAN MAKE FROSTYS IN YOUR OWN HOME. Like this one, right here.

Even though I just touted this as an “amazing secret recipe” everyone on Pinterest has been all, “Here’s how to make a Frosty!” and “Hey dummy, it’s super easy to make a Frosty.” And you know what, I have always wondered what was in a Frosty. It’s like chocolate, but not quite. But it is. Is it a mix? Why so creamy?

The mystery is solved. Hey! Here’s how you make a gluten-free Frosty because you do NOT want to go to Wendy’s.

P.S. Frosty’s are already gluten-free. Anyhoo.

3 Awesome Gluten-Free Things Are Going Down This Weekend

One . . .

Two . . .

Me!

Say you live in LA. Say you live in LA, and you like gluten-free cupcake tops. Say you live in LA, like gluten-free cupcake tops, and free buttons with curse words on them. Now. You live in LA, you like gluten-free cupcake tops, free dirty buttons, and want to know if I have one of those high squeaky voices, or pack-a-day tenors. THIS WEEKEND IS YOUR LUCKY WEEKEND.

Gluten-Free Santa Barbara: Tupelo Junction

Hey, you mothers. I hope you had a fabulous day celebrating your mom-ness. I certainly did as my husband and kids kind of rocked it.  A lot. We also got out of town for some family bizness, and I got to explore Santa Barbara again and its fare for those of us special types. While my mother-in-law always grabs an amazoid gluten-free pie or quiche from Simply Pies, the husband and I enjoy a night out or three when we’re also in the company of a grandma babysitter. So out we went.

It’s always a risk to dig into Southern (American) food when you’re in Southern California. Add that whole gluten thing to the list of requirements, and it’s downright dangerous. Hell, I have a whole cookbook filled with gluten-free Southern food because it’s incredibly difficult to find. Incredibly.

When my husband made a reservation at Tupelo Junction in Santa Barbara I was suspicious. After all, I’d enjoyed some lovely fried chicken there years ago when were visiting from New York and first dating, and long before I was no longer allowed to shove gluten in my fried chicken hole. But guess what? That SoCal gluten-free friendly thing came in very handy as the menu was marked with items that could be made gluten-free! Like that lovely Red Beans and Rice with roasted corn, tomatoes, greens and shallots and Tupelo Honey Vinaigrette Salad w/roasted sunflower seeds pictured above. GF, baby. Also gf?

Gluten Is My Bitch Button is Back & It’s a GIVEAWAY

Yep. I got more of these bad boys. My publisher and I thought it was especially necessary since oh, about a zillion of you fine people FREAKED OUT at the Celiac Disease Foundation conference this weekend and demanded more “F*ck Flour” buttons. I believe I heard a chant near the Glutino booth at one point.

Now, I don’t know exactly how many I’m getting but they are on their way. So here’s what you do to get your own.

Hmmm, Is Something Gluten-Free Happening Today?

You guys can read backwards, right?

Get yer butt to the bookstore, people. Gluten is My Bitch is OUT.

P.S. I love you all.

Explaining “Gluten Is My Bitch” To Every Generation

I love these people

Well, that was a fine howdy doody yesterday at the Celiac Disease Foundation conference. Holy moly, the gluten-haters were out in droves and I got to meet some of YOU guys. My awesome readers and fighters in the crusade against crapping your pants. You. Are. Awesome. See above for some of the awesome, but rest assured there are many more of you. Many, many, more. One of whom brought me this gluten-free churro cupcake that’s only made once a year, on May 5th in Pasadena.

WTF? Amazing. Also, I really need about 20 more of these because I’m now totally addicted. So thanks for that Stef. No, really.

There were, however, a few uncomfortable moments that naturally come when you’re out trying to hock your book called Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free. Not to be an ageist, because I’m still chuckling over the septagenarian who screamed in delight when she saw my book and promptly called me a bitch. She was awesome. But between the mom who was shielding her tween from my booth, and the gentlemen who asked me what I meant, exactly, I realized I might have some ‘splaining to do. So I’ve worked it out, by age.

What to Expect at the Celiac Disease Foundation Expo: Books, Cookies & Dinosaurs

Okay, at least one of those things. And me! Me! I’ll be up in Pasadena this weekend at the CDF Conference and big ass gluten-free expo selling my books to the FIRST PEOPLE IN AMERICA. Whoo-hooo! So line up, celiacs. But don’t expect cookies or dinosaurs. That was totally false advertising to lure you in. Not unlike when you flip through the Anthropolgie catalog and you’re all, “If I bought that blouse, I could swing in a hammock overlooking a rain forest!” Just books.

Although I’m guessing you’ll get your fill of gluten-free goodies up in the expo. These gluten-free cookies? These are King Arthur’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix that my husband whipped up to provide my girl with a gluten-free cookie for a field trip. Sure they were delicious, but something is a little funny here in the court of King Arthur. You see, you have to provide your own chocolate chips. Luckily, we always have chocolate chips in my house so we were cool. It just seemed a bit, I don’t know, odd. I conveniently missed the note on the box of the gluten-free chocolate chip cookie mix that said, “make it special with your add-ins” and then took a second look and realized it actually said “gluten-free cookie mix.” Sorry, I was just distracted by that delicious looking chocolate chip cookie on the box. Don’t be fooled fellow gluten-freers! And bring your own add-ins.

Do you know one very special thing I AM bringing with me to the expo (besides, of course Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free)?

Can We Talk About Doctors?

After spending a day-in-the-half in the hospital, first for myself, then for my daughter, I’ve recently had the delight of being exposed to a number of physicians. While I’m a big fan of my general practitioner, and don’t even get me started on my GI doc (so handsome, so unfazed by poop talk), whenever I’m sick I find myself in that position of playing phone dodge with my GP’s office. Usually I’m calling before they open, or after, or in that two-hour lunch break where the staff refuses to answer the phone for 15 minutes leading up and 15 minutes after. Which is how I wound up at one of those walk-in clinics on the weekend, and ultimately in the ER.

All doctors are not created equal, ya’ll. Some of them are all, “Umm, yeah you should NOT be taking these antibiotics,” and others are like, “I’m pretty sure it’s not the most powerful antibiotics in the world that you’re hoovering while being celiac, but merely a stomach bug,” as I’m being pumped full of morphine. Then there’s the, “It was probably that burger you had.” Ummm, don’t mess with my burger, people. Do. Not. Mess. (Although if it does turn out to be the burger, well, fool me once contaminated meat, shame on you . . . )

Then we’re all up in my daughter’s villi and the result is, “Looks good, but that blood test seems wonky, so let’s biopsy and talk about this celiac situation again.”

Okay. I get that maybe medical science isn’t all that exact. I get that people get misdiagnosed, non-diagnosed, and just ignored for years. But at this point I was preparing for my super duper exciting book release (TUESDAY!!!!) and my even more exciting book hocking this weekend at the CDF Gluten-Free Expo in Pasadena. (Yes, I do realize that “excited” and “gluten-free expo in Pasadena” do not usually go together. But you, my people, get it.) And instead of just sitting around staring at a pile of books, grinning like an idiot I’m instead staring at this gluten-free chicken soup and waiting for when I can actually eat it without yakking.

It’s a Gluten-Free Basil Corn Muffin with Goat Cheese!

Yes, it is. Clearly, it’s been muffin week at my house. Which I highly recommend, btw. And the best way to end this muffin-o-rama is with this beaut. It’s a gluten-free basil corn muffin, then you stuff it with goat cheese. STUFF IT WITH GOAT CHEESE. And here I was just using butter this whole time.

I found this recipe in one of those Martha Stewart type magazines. And again, since I seem to have a load of gluten-free corn bread mix, I just tweaked the recipe to make it gluten-free using my handy dandy mix. If you have gf flour and gf cornmeal on hand, just know that you use 1/4 cup cornmeal and 2 cups of all-purpose gluten-free flour. Honestly, do what you like because you’re going to be putting goat cheese inside. Really.

Sure this is a fantastic muffin, but if you want to rock your world and everyone else’s within a 15-mile radius, piar it with an Italian tray bake and roasted asparagus. Yep.

I love dinner. I freaking love it.

So yeah, this is a superior muffin for a superior meal. Make it wisely.