How crazy do I look, here? Really?

So as everyone within a 20-mile radius knows, I’m going to the Oscars this weekend. What everyone may not know (and I didn’t even know earlier this week) is that I got to go to a sneak preview of Wolfgang Puck’s menu for the Governor’s Ball, where all the Hollywood stars head to get their eat on after they’ve picked up their gold statues. You guys, I got to sample the meal that Ryan Gosling would be eating had he not been robbed of an Academy Award nomination. Except, I didn’t at all because of all the gluten.  (Insert sad face here.)

I know Gosling feels for me, if this tumblr blog is to be believed, but I’m even more concerned about fellow gluten-hater, Zooey Deschanel. While she’s not nominated for an Oscar, Zooey is most definitely an A-lister who could score a ticket to the hottest dinner in town. But I’m here to warn you: Deschanel, stay away from the biggest ball in Hollywood. It’s all covered in gluten. This kind of gluten.

First of all, the Governor’s Ball must invite lots of starving people who are gold-poor, as the menu offers 14 appetizers, 10 small plates, a sushi and seafood buffet, 29 desserts, and three menu items that are covered in actual gold. Gold, by the way is totally gluten-free. I’m going to start eating my fill right away. I would have to, because apparently Wolfgang did not get the memo that gluten-free is hella’ trendy. Every dang thing I was offered had gluten all over it, and the rest of the menu did not seem to care about the gf among the Hollywood set either. See? Here’s Wolfie in front of a giant chicken pot pie.

I did try the spicy tuna tartare in miso cones with masago, but that’s just because I had to turn down the pizza with caviar, the kobe beef sliders, and the arrancini. I was feeling desperate and I just grabbed that sucker and shoved it in my mouth. This one -

I think that’s caviar on there. And gluten. I did feel a little bit sick later, so it probably was. But seriously was I not going to eat Wolfgang Puck’s spread?

But again, this isn’t about me. It’s about Zooey Deschanel. Can someone, anyone, make this adorable lady a gluten-free dinner for Oscar night? I know she’s way too polite to ask for it herself, so I’m going to do it for her. Puck, please pull out the rice flour for Zooey Deschanel at the Governor’s Ball. She’s lovely, and I’m sure she would hate to poop her pants on Hollywood’s most glamorous evening.

Cute, but snow-less. Which is what I always suspected when people swore that SoCal living meant “snowboarding in the morning, and surfing in the afternoon.” Show-offs. Yet, we still took the kids snow tubing. And whether it was man-made snow, or a hallucination, or a combo, it was super fun that looked like this –

Sorry for the crotch shot. But now you know me just a little bit better.

But as we all know, the best part of snow activity comes when you hit the lodge for a little after ski dining. Honestly, I wasn’t worried since I had my cake and my muffins handy. I figured a hot toddy and cake would see me through until we were back in Los Angeles with readily available tacos and 80 degree outdoor dining. So imagine my surprise when we stumbled into a pizzeria — of all places — that served gluten-free pasta. Weird, right? But Eddie’s Pizzeria in nearby Claremont totally did, and I got the three cheese penne with broccoli and chicken. They also put little symbols by food that is naturally gluten-free. Nice. This is the menu (or at least part of it) –

The verdict? Well, I was starving after all that dragging kids up the snowy hill, so I thought it was great. But I also had a lovely little lady snow sport-ing with us try it, to make sure it tasted like pasta for the norms. Sam said it totally did.

So there you have it, Celiacs. If you’re heading to the slopes in Mt. Baldy, feel free to stop into Eddie’s. It’s around the corner from Patty’s. Really.

I know those guys don’t use coconut flour in their layer cakes, but when I hear the words “coconut flour” I automatically think about those white layers of icing and cake and a smattering of coconut. Mmmmm . . . smattering. So I was sent some coconut flour and flakes to do some experimenting. (Note, in addition to making this amazoids cake, I made some coconut flour gluten-free meatloaf, and scones. All RAD.) Yet this coconut layer cake was the mother scratching bomb, so I’m going to lay it all out for you.

But before we get to the butter cream frosting, let me fill you in about the wonders of coconut flour. Some fun facts, if you will.

1. Coconut flour is hella’ dense, so you’ve got to either cut back on the amount you substitute when cooking gluten-free, or add tons of moisture. Or both! Experiment a lot to get the right texture. Also, you might want to sift it before using to give it some air up in there. I did.

2. Coconut flour is packed with protein. Great for vegetarians and vegans. Or people who love coconut flour, duh.

3. Coconut flour smells like weed. (Okay, I think this. My husband thinks I’m crazy. But I’m standing by this, as I’m pretty sure I know what marijuana smells like.)

All of this is to say, you need some coconut flour in your diet. I worked with a couple of different recipes and re-jiggered them to create this coconut layer cake, and it was so delicious my husband took half of it to his office to remove the temptation from our home. At least I think that’s why he took it to his office. Hmmmmmm. I, however, can’t seem to stop eating this incredibly moist, fluffy, coconut cake. And there goes my Oscar diet.

If you, too, want to blow your diet and wow your office-mates with this gorge coconut layer cake, it’s your lucky day! I’m giving away a bag of coconut flour, and coconut flakes from Bob’s Red Mill, along with a $50 gift card to tha’ Mill. Just leave a comment on my Facebook page telling me how you like to wreck your diet. Easy! I’ll do a random drawing, and announce the winner next week. After the Oscars, and after I can see how much damage having another piece of cake for breakfast is doing to my body.

Here’s how to make that cake:

Gluten-Free Coconut Layer Cake

Prep time: 10 minutes Cook time: 35 minutes

Ingredients:

1 cup butter, softened
1 2/3 cups sugar
9 eggs, at room temperature
½ teaspoon vanilla
2 cups coconut flour, sifted
1 ½ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/3 cup milk

1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease two 9 inch or 8 inch layer pans.

2. Combine butter and sugar, and beat together for about 2 minutes using electric mixer. Add eggs in one at a time and beat high speed for about 3 minutes. Add in the vanilla while beating the eggs and butter mixture.

3. Combine the dry ingredients together and add one cup at a time, alternating with the milk. Beat batter for about five minutes on high speed.

4. Spoon batter into the two prepared cake pans and smooth tops. Bake for 35 minutes, or until toothpick inserted into the center of cake comes out clean.

5. Place pans on wire rack and cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans. Cool cakes completely before frosting.

Makes: 16 servings

Buttercream & Coconut Frosting

Prep time: 2 minutes Mix time: 7 minutes

Ingredients:

4 cups confectioner’s sugar
1 cup butter, softened
4 Tablespoons milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups coconut flakes

1. Place butter in electric mixer and beat with paddle. Add sugar one cup at a time to combine. Add milk and vanilla and mix for 5 minutes until light and creamy.

2. After cakes have cooled, spread one layer of icing on top of cake that goes on bottom. Sprinkle coconut flakes on top, using fingers to place if necessary.

3. Place second cake on top and ice entire cake. Liberally apply coconut flakes using fingers to place.

So when pulling together some banana bread muffins to take with us on our big President’s Day snow tubing (which I’ve never heard of, and cannot figure out how there is snow in Southern California, but I’m so totally game. Still, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WORKS.) trip, I thought I’d add them into an otherwise pretty basic recipe. Guess who is about to get applause in the car on the way to Mt. Baldy? Me. Or at least I’d better, or I’m turning this car around and no one will be allowed to see snow EVER AGAIN.

Gluten-Free Banana Bread With Chocolate Chips

adapted from Simply Recipes

Prep time: 7 minutes Cook time: 30 minutes

4 ripe bananas, smashed
1/3 cup melted butter
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch of salt
1 1/2 cups of all-purpose gluten-free flour
1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum
3/4 cup chocolate chips

1. Preheat the oven to 350°F .

2. Mix butter into the mashed bananas in a large mixing bowl. Mix in the sugar, egg, and vanilla. Sprinkle the baking soda and salt over the mixture and mix in. Add the flour and xanthan gum and mix. Add the chocolate chips last, mix.

3. Pour into greased muffin pan and bake for 30 minutes.

Makes: 12 muffins

I'm coming to get you, gluten.

I’m pretty sure I’ve found the answer to my latest dilemma. You see, I’m covering the red carpet at the Academy Awards next week for my other job, and wow do I wish I was about ten pounds lighter for the gown that would inspire either, “Is she famous?” or even, “Hey, that girl that no one cares about behind the scenes looks hot in that dress.” Sure, I could go work out, and  stop trying to re-create an amazoids gluten-free sponge cake that goes perfectly with mozzarella sticks. Or, I could just eat as much gluten as possible for the next week and drop that pound-age like it’s hot. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it too.*

This is how I would start:

• Breakfast would include a pastry from every coffee shop I’ve been avoiding for the past year. Le Pain Quotidien, you’d better gird your pain au chocolate.

• Mid-morning snack would have to be donuts. Duh.

• Lunch is the perfect time to enjoy an ice cold IPA, maybe at Umami Burger. Give me that brioche bun, bitches.

• No reason to not try out any and all brew pubs around town at this point, hey, I’m not going to be on this diet for long!

• Dinner would definitely take place at Pizzeria Mozza, where I would eat some lardon pizza, alongside some meatballs, and whatever else I can shove in my pizza hole. Dessert? Whatever you’ve got, Batali.

• Midnight snack will then consist of the following: Chinese take-out — all of it, Magnolia Bakery cupcakes, Twix bars, and a burrito.

I’m pretty sure eating like this would allow me to fit into a gown for the Oscars. I might be losing my hair, and most likely I’d pass out on the bleachers before I got a chance to ask Brad and Angie about their latest pregnancy/drug problem/why they hate Jennifer Aniston so much. But, hey, ten pounds lost! Wheeeee!

*Seriously, don’t do this. I know you’re smarter than I am and probably know that already. But don’t. You don’t want cancer of the bowels, amiright?

Image via Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake/Flickr

(A note: This is not Debbie in the photo. Debbie is much cuter.)

So I’m joining this blog party that is to help you — the new cook, the old cook, the new mom, the new dad, the exhausted old mom/dad — figure out how to grocery shop, stock your pantry, and whip up delicious, healthy dinners while still keeping your shit together. The trick to all of this is buying Parents Need to Eat Too, and reading it from cover to cover.  And anyone who orders before February 21 receives a free Digital Starter Kit including bonus recipes, a gift card, and MUCH MORE! (Their words, but I’m excited too.)

After receiving my own copy of this super duper guide, I decided to make what I assumed to be the most difficult dish in her entire arsenal: Cheater’s Chana Masala. I say this, as a native Oklahoman who did not know what Indian food was until I moved to New York City. As a part Native American Indian gal, I just thought Indian food meant “maize.” Needless to say, I impressed myself, and my husband, by whipping up this delicious, naturally gluten-free, dish in no time. Cheater’s Chana Masala is the BOMB. Gf, or not gf. But it’s totally gf, or I’d be complaining that; Debbie Koenig really wants to poison me.

Here’s how you too can buy Parents Need to Eat Too, and make your own masala.

Cheater’s Chana Masala

From Parents Need to Eat Too

Serves 4 Cooking time: 25 minutes (15 minutes active)

Traditional chana masala—a spiced chickpea stew you’ll find on the menu of almost any indian restaurant—is a complicated affair, with an ingredient list as long as your arm. we’re not going there. Remember my mantra: New parents don’t have time for authenticity! instead, i’ve simplified things to make this a quick and easy dish based almost exclusively on pantry items. it still tastes warm and comforting, but you’ll have dinner on the table in no time.

Ingredients

2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 medium onion, finely chopped
One 1-inch piece of fresh ginger, peeled and grated, or 1⁄2 teaspoon ground ginger
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 teaspoons ground coriander
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1⁄8 teaspoon cayenne
Two 15- to 16-ounce cans chickpeas, rinsed and drained
3⁄4 cup water
One 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes, drained
Salt
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro
1 teaspoon garam masala
Juice of 1⁄2 lemon (about 11⁄2 tablespoons)
Cooked brown rice, plain yogurt, and prepared chutney, optional, for serving

1.    Heat the oil in a large saucepan over medium-low heat. when it shimmers, add the onion, fresh ginger, if using, and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion is translucent but not browned, about 5 minutes.

2.    Add the coriander, cumin, cayenne, and ground ginger (if not using fresh) and cook for 1 minute.

3.    Add the chickpeas, water, diced tomatoes, and salt to taste and raise heat to medium. Simmer uncovered (if it spatters too much, cover it partially) until the sauce has thickened, 5 to 10 minutes.

4.    Remove from heat, then stir in the chopped cilantro, garam masala, lemon juice, and salt to taste.

5.    Serve over brown rice and top with a spoonful of yogurt and chutney, if desired.

Q. Dear Abby: I was recently diagnosed as gluten intolerant. My question is, when dining at a restaurant, while everyone else is eating the bread that is served, is it acceptable to discreetly take a few gluten-free crackers from my purse and snack on them so I’m not starving while waiting for dinner?

My husband thought it was inappropriate, so I didn’t take them. I did ask the waiter if he had gluten-free bread or crackers, but he didn’t. I have many medical issues. I try to eat only what is healthy for me and thought providing my own crackers was a minor deal. What do you think, Abby? — Gluten Intolerant in Florida

While Abby, or whoever is carrying on the Abby tradition, answered pretty much perfectly I think she might have held back in one particular area. That would be the area of, “Your husband is a douche, and you might be off your rocker.”

First the obvious: Your husband is a douche. Abby gave him the benefit of the doubt by saying perhaps he had “a bad day,” but I know what she really wanted to say was, “Dude, your husband sucks it.” While 100% Abby-appropriate, I would love to have seen her slap that guy down in a public forum. Which may be why I should totally be an advice columnist. I’ll call your husband a douche, no problem-o. I probably already do behind his back. Moving on.

“I have many medical issues.” Listen, I feel for anyone with many medical issues. But I’m wondering  just a wee bit, if this lady’s husband isn’t being such a jackass because pulling out gluten-free crackers isn’t the only thing this lady does in public. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt — especially because Celiac disease can come with lots of other issues. If that’s the case, I’m sorry for what I’m about to say: Maybe your husband really hates dining out with you because you’re the most embarrassing person in the world. I’m sorry, it just had to be said. However.

No one should be shamed for bringing in their own gluten-free crackers. If there is a cheese plate on the menu, you bet your ass I’ve got gf crackers in my purse. In fact, you can bet I’ve got gf anything on my person whenever I’m away from my home. But I never ask my husband if it’s okay. I just do it, because, you know, I like to eat cheese. Can I eat cheese without gluten-free crackers? I can, and I will. It’s more of a little pick-me-up in my purse when I remember to bring along a lovely cheese transportation device.

One more note. If you’re starving by the time you wind up in a restaurant — and it happens to the best of us — order a gluten-free appetizer right away so you don’t freak out and go all Taxi Driver in the middle of the establishment. That way you don’t have to dig in your purse for sustenance, and embarrass your douche bag husband.

You’re welcome, Gluten Intolerant in Florida. You. Are. Welcome.

Anyone else need some advice? Bring it.

But if you have a special person in your life who is tired of seeing delicious short ribs on every farm-to-table/gastro-pub/pretend “diner” that’s actually fancy-pants, in the neighborhood, and never being able to order them. Because most people put soy sauce in the delicious glaze, or coat the ribs in flour before cooking. Let me tell you right now, I’m not going to do that craziness.

So head out to your butcher, pick up some ‘taters, and don’t forget like maybe some kale because it’s wicked good for you. Here’s your gluten-free Valentine’s Day menu for luv-ahs.

Gluten-Free Braised Short Ribs

adapted from The Food Network

Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 3 1/2 hours

6 bone-in short ribs (about 5 3/4 pounds)
Olive oil
1 large Spanish onion, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
2 ribs celery, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
2 carrots, peeled, cut in 1/2 lengthwise, then cut into 1/2-inch pieces
2 cloves garlic, smashed
1 1/2 cups tomato paste
2 to 3 cups hearty red wine
Kosher Salt
2 cups water

1. Season each short rib generously with salt. Coat a pot large enough to accommodate all the meat and vegetables with olive oil and bring to a high heat. Add the short ribs to the pan and brown very well, about 2 to 3 minutes per side.

2. While the short ribs are browning, puree all the vegetables and garlic in the food processor until it forms a coarse paste. When the short ribs are very brown on all sides, remove them from the pan. Drain the fat, coat the bottom of same pan with fresh oil and add the pureed vegetables. Season the vegetables generously with salt and brown until they are very dark and a crud has formed on the bottom of the pan, approximately 5 to 7 minutes. Scrape the crud and let it reform. Scrape the crud again and add the tomato paste. Brown the tomato paste for 4 to 5 minutes. Add the wine and scrape the bottom of the pan. Lower the heat if things start to burn. Reduce the mixture by half.

3. Return the short ribs to the pan and add 2 cups water or until the water has just about covered the meat. Add the thyme bundle and bay leaves.

4. Cover the pan and place in the oven at 375 for 3 hours. Check periodically during the cooking process and add more water, if needed. Turn the ribs over halfway through the cooking time. Remove the lid during the last 20 minutes of cooking to let things get nice and brown and to let the sauce reduce. When done the meat should be very tender but not falling apart. Serve with the braising liquid.

Makes: 4 servings

Twice-Baked Potatoes

Prep time: 7 minutes Cook time: 1 hour plus 15 minutes

Ingredients

2 Large Russet Potatoes
1/2 milk
2–3 Tablespoons butter
1/3 cup grated cheddar cheese

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Wash potatoes, poke holes in them with a fork, cover in aluminum foil and pop in the oven. Let bake for 1 hour or until almost done.

2. Remove potatoes from oven and allow to cool for about 5 minutes. Once cool, use a sharp knife to cut the top off each potato. Carefully remove inside of potatoes and place in a bowl.

3. Quickly add milk and butter and mash potatoes until creamy. Add more liquid if necessary to obtain desired consistency.

4. Refill potato skins with mashed potatoes, and cover with cheese. Put back into the oven and bake for 15 minutes or until warmed through.

Makes: Two yummy potatoes

Happy Valentine’s Day, celiacs!

There is this company in Los Angeles that makes an incredible variety of lasagna cupcakes that are so mouth-watering that it is torturous to a celiac to even think about them. Much less hear them being pitched as the greatest holiday gift anyone could ever receive. And I’m pretty sure, by the way, they are the greatest holiday gift anyone could ever receive. Unless you’ve got the sprue.

All I could think about through the holidays were, can I please eat a lasagna cupcake, Lord? Just one? Or five? Already knowing the answer to this prayer, I took it upon myself to make some g-free lasagna cupcakes of my own. It’s much harder than it sounds, my friends.

You see, the one brand of gluten-free lasagna sold in Whole Foods is one of those “no-boil” lasagna noodle types. Which means you can’t make it into the bowl-shape. It also means that if you’re making lasagna cupcakes, which do not need as much cooking time as regular lasagna, your “no-boil” lasagna noodles are bullshit. And you’ll have to improvise with just breaking lasagna noodles like this –

Not only can you not make a bowl, they’ll crunch when you eat them. Even if the package scolds you for even thinking about cooking those noodles, you’ve got to boil those gluten-free noodles. No matter how many times you’ve wound up with gluten-free noodle mush. Boil those mothers. Cook up those noodles, shape them into a cupcake holder, and in return, you will enjoy the most divine creation ever, or at least since you’ve been banned from eating the semolina. Seriously. Love. Lasagna. Cupcakes. Next time, I’m experimenting with veggie, short rib, and roasted squash lasagna cupcakes. That’s how much I love this idea.

In the meantime, here’s how you can make your own handheld gluten-free lasagna cupcakes.

Gluten-Free Spinach Lasagna Cupcakes

Prep time: 15 minutes Cook time: 1 1/2 hours total

Ingredients

1 box gluten-free lasagna noodles
1 pound organic ground beef
16 ounces tomato sauce
1 teaspoon oregano
1 1/2 cups ricotta cheese
1 cup mozzarella cheese
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, plus more to top
1 egg
3 cups spinach, chopped
Salt and pepper

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Boil water in large pasta pot. Cook gluten-free noodles according to package directions. If you have the “no-boil” kind, cook for 7 minutes, or until flexible. Remove from water, and lay out noodles on aluminum foil. When cool enough, cut lasagna noodles into thirds.

2. While noodles are boiling, brown your ground beef. Drain, then add tomato sauce and oregano and allow to simmer for 8 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste.

3. Mix ricotta, shredded mozzarella, and Parmesan in a bowl. Add egg and chopped spinach and mix well. Add salt and pepper to taste.

4. Spray cupcake pan with olive oil. Arrange lasagna noodles in a criss-cross, or bowl to cover the opening. Layer other ingredients starting with the meat sauce, then the spinach and cheese mixture. Repeat. Add last noodle to the top and cover with Parmesan cheese.

5. Bake for 40 minutes. Remove, allow to cool for 10 minutes then enjoy!

Makes: 15 cupcakes

Now that I know I can have a pancake whenever my heart desires, it’s time to step things up a notch. A red hot notch. Introducing, the red hot pancake.

Some of you are disgusted right now, and others are in the middle of having your mind’s blown. It’s okay either way, just know that these special, seasonal, treats turn your regular pancake into a cinnamon-y mouth explosion. And that, my friends, is a good thing.

Side note — Can we talk just a second about how red hots went from grocery store staple to only coming out around Valentine’s Day? WEIRD. Also, how rad is it that red hots are gluten-free? Super rad.

The reason I’m positive red hots used to be available year-round is two-fold. One, I was a child candy hoarder. And two, when I would go for sleepovers at my friend Stacey’s house, her mom would always make these amazing red hot pancakes. Which is why I knew my own daughter would freaking love them. And today is my little girl’s 6th birthday (another side note — I simply cannot believe that munchkin was sliced out of me six years ago today), so I made this on Saturday morning. What? Have you ever tried to get a kindergartener out of the house while red hot pancakes are INSIDE the house? Weekday pancakes are for people with nannies.

You may be looking for a recipe for these delicious pancakes of candy. However, the best most awesome way to do it is to get a superior gluten-free pancake mix (I love the Pure Pantry), and add 1/2 cup of red hots like so:

Really, just buy the mix. There is absolutely no reason to try to perfect a homemade gluten-free pancake. Don’t be a hero.