Reblogged from FARE Blog:

Kick Some Ass, Kiddo

So this is apparently a thing. Bullying kids who have food allergies. I got this note from the lovely people at Food Allergy Research & Education where they filled me in on the sad fact that about a third of kids with food allergies say they’ve been bullied, specifically because of said food allergies. Then I watched this PSA they sent me, and I cried a little.

And then, I read over at Gluten Dude, that one of my daughter’s most favorite Disney shows, Jessie (don’t judge), had a weird gluten bullying scene as well. Not nice, Jessie. Not nice. (Although I will say, in my own defense and the taste of my daughter—I always said that little pancake throwing girl on Jessie was a bad example of a decent human being. Since when did a sassy grade schooler become cute and not totally obnoxious? Okay, I’ll go sit back in my Barcalounger now and watch my stories.)

I mean sure, I’ve had people say annoying things to me. Things they thought were funny. But I know what’s funny, and what’s not. I mean, gluten is my bitch and all. But I’m an adult. A “grown ass woman” as it were. Where do people get off bullying kids? I realize bullying is a problem, and not just for the food allergic.

I also get it that if kids see a “thing” perceived as a weakness, they latch onto it and come up with five million ways to make fun of Hey, it’s May! You aren’t supposed to be here/April’s a Fool/Pee-on-my-toe and so on. But this seems extra crazy to me. You know, since sneaking peanut butter into an allergic kid could actually kill him? What happened to bullying people because I was wearing boy Grranimal hand-me-downs because I had all boy cousins? Jeez, kids are nasty these days. And apparently deadly.

Disney has already pulled the Jessie episode, which is good because I did not want to explain that to my daughter, who somehow thinks having celiac means she has super powers. (And is very sad to think she no longer has them.) But I’m much more concerned about bullying in the real world than some back-talking, gluten-throwing, pint-sized actress. Seriously, that kid is obnoxious without having shit like that written into her story line.

So watch the PSAs, share them with your friends, and teach your allergic kids to kick bully ass. Maybe have them carry a copy of my book around and just hit kids with it. (Note: my lawyer says this is NOT good advice, and you should not take it from me.)

Did you know this food allergy bullying existed?

So here’s the thing. Back when I was all, holy f&*k my kid is a celiac, it turns out that blood test was a false positive. The endoscopy shows all clear, and the biopsy the same. This is great news. It does not mean that I won’t always be looking over her shoulder for gluten (and the same goes for her tiny brother), but for now I’m going to try really, really, hard to act like she’s 100%. I wonder if you have this problem too.

Even with the blood test and the endoscopy, I’m scared for my girl. It does not help that she looks like me, she does—on occasion—talk like me, and tears through chapter books like me. Wait. I mean, when I was a kid. I can totally read more than chapter books now, you guys. So I’m trying to be only excited, and not excited + worried. I’d love to just put this all behind me. Which is why we’re going to go ahead and do that genetic test. Until then, I reserve the right to worry about my kids. I mean, duh.

But there’s more good news! I’m going to teach you guys how to make a Wendy’s Frosty in your own damn home. You know why? Going to Wendy’s is going to make you very sad if you can’t eat a cheeseburger. Also, YOU CAN MAKE FROSTYS IN YOUR OWN HOME. Like this one, right here.

Even though I just touted this as an “amazing secret recipe” everyone on Pinterest has been all, “Here’s how to make a Frosty!” and “Hey dummy, it’s super easy to make a Frosty.” And you know what, I have always wondered what was in a Frosty. It’s like chocolate, but not quite. But it is. Is it a mix? Why so creamy?

The mystery is solved. Hey! Here’s how you make a gluten-free Frosty because you do NOT want to go to Wendy’s.

P.S. Frosty’s are already gluten-free. Anyhoo.

Gluten-Free Wendy’s Frosty

Ingredients

1 pint chocolate milk
14 oz. condensed sweetened milk

1. Prefreeze your ice cream bowl in the maker for at least 24 hours. If you do not do this, it will not work. Believe me, I tried. I TRIED. So, 24 hours in the freezer, people.

2. 24+ hours later. Mix milks together in a bowl until completely combined.

3. Turn on your ice cream maker and let it run for a minute before you pour the mixture into the ice cream maker. Let it run for 25 minutes, or unti it looks like a Frosty.

4. Serve it up and drink it fast because it will melt. Still, delicious.

Makes: 4 servings

One . . .

Two . . .

Me!

Say you live in LA. Say you live in LA, and you like gluten-free cupcake tops. Say you live in LA, like gluten-free cupcake tops, and free buttons with curse words on them. Now. You live in LA, you like gluten-free cupcake tops, free dirty buttons, and want to know if I have one of those high squeaky voices, or pack-a-day tenors. THIS WEEKEND IS YOUR LUCKY WEEKEND.

That’s right, folks! I’m doing my first Los Angeles book reading at Chevalier’s Books on Larchmont Boulevard this coming Sunday, May 19th at noon. This super cool bookstore is all indie, and amazing so you should come check it out and pick up a few books while you’re at it. Also, Babycakes NYC is right down the street and they will be providing some gluten-free cupcake tops. That’s right, FREE. And some of you lucky people will also get my (now infamous) F*CK FLOUR button!

Damn, that all sounds amazing. I’m thinking even if you’re in Orange County you should make the trip up for this epic gluten-free event. You guys, you get to hear Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free read out loud. It’s like having a book on tape, but in person. I KNOW. So awesome.

So come on out you guys, it’s going to be super duper duper duper fun. Also next door? Peet’s Coffee and lette, the macaroon store. Srsly, guys. Srsly.

It’s always a risk to dig into Southern (American) food when you’re in Southern California. Add that whole gluten thing to the list of requirements, and it’s downright dangerous. Hell, I have a whole cookbook filled with gluten-free Southern food because it’s incredibly difficult to find. Incredibly.

When my husband made a reservation at Tupelo Junction in Santa Barbara I was suspicious. After all, I’d enjoyed some lovely fried chicken there years ago when were visiting from New York and first dating, and long before I was no longer allowed to shove gluten in my fried chicken hole. But guess what? That SoCal gluten-free friendly thing came in very handy as the menu was marked with items that could be made gluten-free! Like that lovely Red Beans and Rice with roasted corn, tomatoes, greens and shallots and Tupelo Honey Vinaigrette Salad w/roasted sunflower seeds pictured above. GF, baby. Also gf?

And then this giant steak. Because you know you can always trust a steak to do you right.

After that delicious meal we got to go meet some friends from out of town, which was super awesome. Even more awesome? I made a discovery when we enjoyed dessert at their pad.

Magic Shell is gluten-free you guys. And as good as I remember it being from my childhood. YUM.

So while I didn’t get authentic Southern fried and gluten-free food (again, it’s a pipe dream, but one that can be made true in your own kitchen, with the help of Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free), I did get to chow down at a comfort food joint without fear. Plus, that whole Magic Shell thing at our friend’s house.

Okay, so anyone who wants to hear me gab about gluten-free biz, I’ll be on the radio at HealthyLife.net tomorrow at 2:00 EST/11:00 Pacific tomorrow! Dr. Jane Greer and I will chat it out.

Now, I don’t know exactly how many I’m getting but they are on their way. So here’s what you do to get your own.

The first, let’s say 35, of you who take a picture of yourself with my book, “Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free” and send it to aprilhatesgluten@gmail.com will get a button. Plus, one wild card for most creative entry—with, or without my book—that does NOT involve nudity. Unless you’re Ryan Gosling. Then, nudity required. BTW, it’s a testament to you, my audience, that I feel the need to explain “no nudity.” You guys are cra-zy.

By the way, here’s some super rad press I’ve gotten that I heart.

The Huffington Post – Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Gluten-Free

Girl’s Gone Child – (with giveaway!) When Gluten Is Your Bitch Eat (Hazelnut Chocolate) Cake + Giveaway!

Inside Out – (with giveaway!) Gluten Is My Bitch . . . With Giveaway!

Mom.Me – How to Keep Your Kid Cool & Gluten-Free

The Stir – 14 Things You Didn’t Know Had Gluten In Them

Glo – Anti-Bread Winner

Blinded By The Bite – Gluten Free Humorous Rants & Raves

Cupcakes Take the Cake – Recipe for Gluten-Free Ice Cream Cone Cupcake

GFree & Happy –  Kathy is just awesome, and said she mentioned my book. I haven’t had a chance to look, cuz’ shit is crazy, but her videos are always worth a watch whether she mentions my name or not. Love her.

Generation G Books – (she gave me a 4 out of 5, if I’d sent her a button I bet I would have gotten a 5)

image via tumblr/Abrams

You guys can read backwards, right?

Get yer butt to the bookstore, people. Gluten is My Bitch is OUT.

P.S. I love you all.

I love these people

Well, that was a fine howdy doody yesterday at the Celiac Disease Foundation conference. Holy moly, the gluten-haters were out in droves and I got to meet some of YOU guys. My awesome readers and fighters in the crusade against crapping your pants. You. Are. Awesome. See above for some of the awesome, but rest assured there are many more of you. Many, many, more. One of whom brought me this gluten-free churro cupcake that’s only made once a year, on May 5th in Pasadena.

WTF? Amazing. Also, I really need about 20 more of these because I’m now totally addicted. So thanks for that Stef. No, really.

There were, however, a few uncomfortable moments that naturally come when you’re out trying to hock your book called Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free. Not to be an ageist, because I’m still chuckling over the septagenarian who screamed in delight when she saw my book and promptly called me a bitch. She was awesome. But between the mom who was shielding her tween from my booth, and the gentlemen who asked me what I meant, exactly, I realized I might have some ‘splaining to do. So I’ve worked it out, by age.

The Older Generation

This kind man was not the only of the elder crew who was confused by my title. (Again, I have plenty of fans of all ages, who are on this tip. Yet.) After I sent my mother my book she was so proud she showed it all over the assisted living facility. And then she had to explain it to them. Yet, because of that gd dementia, she wasn’t sure what she was explaining. She struggled a bit and then said, “It’s like irritating, right?”

My first thought was to go deep with the explanation, and then I thought, do I really want to explain prison rape? And how it is somehow now considered funny? Not the rape, the phrase, and, oh never mind.  Also annoying? My mom isn’t that old. If it weren’t for this gd dementia, she would have gotten the joke. She would have been appalled, but she would’ve gotten it. So what I said to the gentlemen at my booth was this: I take control of it, so it won’t take control of me. That guy was still confused, but what am I supposed to do? Go back to the prison rape thing?

Anyhoo.

Kids

As you can see my own kids are quite comfortable around the GIMB.

Of course my daughter calls it “Gluten Is My Bench” and my son can’t read. I also told a nice lady—who was very concerned about her children—that my kids don’t hear me calling my husband a bitch around the house, and vice versa, so they have no idea the larger context of the word. As long as the hubs and I refrain from cursing each other out on the regular, I think my kids will get that this is a word for a funny book title, and is not meant to harm anyone, least of all, women. For now I (again) avoid the prison rape analogy, and go with “I hate gluten, man.” And everyone nods and agrees that gluten, is indeed, my enemy.

I’m just skipping everyone over the age of 16 and under say, 90. You guys get it. And if you don’t, well you see sometimes in prison one inmate makes another inmate (presumably the weaker inmate) his “bitch” and basically rapes him. It’s horrible, obvs. But at some point this phrase of “making someone my bitch” crossed over into popular, non-incarcerated culture, and became a term anytime you wanted to kick ass and take names. Proper usage: “My vegetable garden is my bitch, guys” or “I just made table tennis my bitch.”

All right, everyone clear? RAD.

Gluten Is My Bitch comes out tomorrow. TOMORROW. WHOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!!

Although I’m guessing you’ll get your fill of gluten-free goodies up in the expo. These gluten-free cookies? These are King Arthur’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix that my husband whipped up to provide my girl with a gluten-free cookie for a field trip. Sure they were delicious, but something is a little funny here in the court of King Arthur. You see, you have to provide your own chocolate chips. Luckily, we always have chocolate chips in my house so we were cool. It just seemed a bit, I don’t know, odd. I conveniently missed the note on the box of the gluten-free chocolate chip cookie mix that said, “make it special with your add-ins” and then took a second look and realized it actually said “gluten-free cookie mix.” Sorry, I was just distracted by that delicious looking chocolate chip cookie on the box. Don’t be fooled fellow gluten-freers! And bring your own add-ins.

Do you know one very special thing I AM bringing with me to the expo (besides, of course Gluten Is My Bitch: Rants, Recipes, & Ridiculousness for the Gluten-Free)?

That’s right, the GF Kid. Since my 7-year-old still doesn’t know how to pronounce “bitch” by looking at my book, and thinks that “bitch” means “enemy” I’m cool with having her help me sell some books. Also, she’s heard about the free cookie samples around the expo, so I couldn’t keep her away if I tried.

So come on by! Pick up your book, get it before everyone else. Say hi! And if you’re one of the first—hmmmm, 30 maybe, I have to count to be sure—you will get this free button with book purchase -

Except it won’t be blurry. See you in Pasadena. Who’s in?

All doctors are not created equal, ya’ll. Some of them are all, “Umm, yeah you should NOT be taking these antibiotics,” and others are like, “I’m pretty sure it’s not the most powerful antibiotics in the world that you’re hoovering while being celiac, but merely a stomach bug,” as I’m being pumped full of morphine. Then there’s the, “It was probably that burger you had.” Ummm, don’t mess with my burger, people. Do. Not. Mess. (Although if it does turn out to be the burger, well, fool me once contaminated meat, shame on you . . . )

Then we’re all up in my daughter’s villi and the result is, “Looks good, but that blood test seems wonky, so let’s biopsy and talk about this celiac situation again.”

Okay. I get that maybe medical science isn’t all that exact. I get that people get misdiagnosed, non-diagnosed, and just ignored for years. But at this point I was preparing for my super duper exciting book release (TUESDAY!!!!) and my even more exciting book hocking this weekend at the CDF Gluten-Free Expo in Pasadena. (Yes, I do realize that “excited” and “gluten-free expo in Pasadena” do not usually go together. But you, my people, get it.) And instead of just sitting around staring at a pile of books, grinning like an idiot I’m instead staring at this gluten-free chicken soup and waiting for when I can actually eat it without yakking.

Wolfgang Puck. Who knew?

My point is, even celebrity chefs can change their minds about whether or not to be gluten-free friendly. (Okay, that wasn’t my point but I’m going with it now. Blame the morphine drip.) And doctors are also not all on the same page whether it’s dealing with celiac, or general wellness. They are human. We are human. They just have that whole ability to help us heal, or knock our asses into the ER. Kind of like Wolfgang Puck.

Please share your horrible doctor stories so I can stop whining. K, thx.

Image via Flickr