Gluten-Free Election Night Recipes: Ohio Specialities That Swing

artwork by Esme Goldman

We’re only a day away from the U.S. Presidential election, everybodys, and it’s all about Ohio.  Let’s throw a gluten-free election party that  can help you get inside the minds of those people who hold so much sway over our nation and its future. What makes those good people tick? How do they fuel their voting fingers? So I asked a few friends of mine who hail from the Buckeye State, and holyohmygods, you guys — people in Ohio eat CRAZY stuff. And they’re going to pick our next president! Daaaaamn.

Out of all of the options (tomato juice and chocolate chunks in the middle of your ice cream, anyone?) I settled on three:  Skyline chili, buckeyes, and the purple cow. Ohio, you’re kidding me.

Let’s start with the purple cow. My Okie grandma loved a good Coke float, but I understand if root beer floats are much more popular nationally. This immediately allowed me to relate to those Ohioans from Geneva as they pour on the grape soda over ice cream during the Geneva Grape Jamboree every year. Except, when my local showed up he explained it’s actually GRAPE JUICE people pour over ice cream. Umm, I’m sorry but that’s gross. I say, as I finish my carbonated purple cow for breakfast.

As an expert pretzel buckeye maker, I was also shocked when my Ohio friend, Abe, came over and sadly told me that real buckeyes are only the peanut butter mixture covered in chocolate. That whole pretzel thing is just fancy-ing it up. Sigh. So while I thought I was nailing a couple of Ohio traditions, I was actually butchering them. Abe  insisted I was improving on the two, but he’s just one nice fella’. Maybe like all of those Ohioans? Who love health care and hate curtailing women’s rights? I hope?

All of the input I received from Ohioans explained that Skyline chili is an acquired taste, yet one that is insanely popular around the state and beyond. As a Texas chili cooker my snob-o-meter went off when I read about some of the ingredients in this all-beef tomato based recipe. We’re talking cinnamon and chocolate, people. But that’s not even the biggest shock to those of us who grew up on chunks of beef and jalapenos. After the chili is all cooked, it goes on top of spaghetti, is smothered in cheddar cheese, chopped onions (optional), and crumbled saltines. CRAZY. Crazy, good, actually. Which is what I said after shoving some in my gullet. This much -

Yes, this is what your table should look like tomorrow night if you want to feel what Ohio is feeling. Personally, we already ate it up because we live in California and the election will be decided before we even finish our commute home from work. Still, get out there and vote people! May the best Democrat win.

Gluten-Free 4-Alarm Chili for The Slow Cooker Challenge!

When someone offers you a challenge, you’d better take it. You don’t know when they’ll offer again, and you don’t know how much glory could come your way if you won said challenge. So I’m all over The Naptime Chef, Big Girls, Small Kitchen/Small Kitchen College Slow Cooker Challenge. Also, I’m lazy and like to just throw things in a pot and let it do all the work for me.

If you like robots too, you should head on over to one of those amazoid websites and enter to win a gorgeous Breville Slow Cooker or stunning Delonghi Slow Cooker. You’re going to be slow cooking all winter long, and thanking these people for ever existing in the first place. Because you know what you can cook in a slow cooker? EVERYTHING. But especially, gluten-free chili.

There are a few things that could make your chili non-gluten-free (because I know you’re wondering). Some people throw in thickening agents like gluten-filled flour or masa, or like the recipe I use — beef bouillon cubes. If this recipe becomes your favorite, like it should, always check those bouillon cubes for gluten-freeness, because most of them are not. Maybe try this one –

I don’t know what makes chili go off with two-, three-, or four-alarms, but I’m pretty sure four-alarm is the best, so that’s what I’m calling this delicious, flavorful, hearty FOUR-ALARM chili. Also, I’m from Oklahoma and Texas, so you have to believe me when I tell you anything about chili.

Did you know chili was originally invented when a pioneer child played a practical joke by filling up the beef stew cauldron with hot peppers and a variety of beans she’d previously been using in her (illegal) poker rings? Naturally, that child was traded to the Native Americans in exchange for maze, yet everyone agreed that little girl had greatly improved upon the boring beef stew that everyone was — quite frankly — sick of anyway.

That’s totally not true, but if I insist, you HAVE to believe. You must also believe in the deliciousness of this gluten-free chili.