Gluten-Free Deep Fried Kool-Aid

Oh yeah, I went there.

Because gluten-eating gluttons shouldn’t have all of the fun, I have transformed this season’s most outrageous county fair treat into a g-free ball of fun. Thanks to my sister-in-law’s boyfriend, I am now the proud owner of a “professional deep fryer” and what better way to break it in than making up a batch of deep fried Kool-Aid? Seriously, if you’ve got a better idea, please let me know, because I don’t believe it exists.

One of the most delightful parts of this experiment came in the simple act of making Kool-Aid. I haven’t had this stuff since I was a kid, and my own children have never experienced the joy of liquid, dyed, sugar running down their little gullets. How is it I’ve denied them this pleasure for so long? So I busted out my Mr. Kool-Aid pitcher, which I sent away for with proofs of purchase back in the 1980s, and almost threw out during my latest move. What the heck was I thinking? Behold the beauty:

Gluten-Free Austin: Celiac Capital of the World

I’ve only been back from Austin, Texas for a few hours and already I miss the ease of dining as I struggle to figure out where in the world to grab take-out that will appeal to my picky daughter and my celiac self. Because basically, my mind was blown this week as I chowed down in the best city in Texas (and quite frankly, a five state radius).  Here’s what happened in the first 36 hours I was there.

I went to three restaurants in a row that handed me a gluten-free menu. Three! Three gluten-free menus — in a freaking row! They know how to treat a girl who can’t hang with wheat. Also, check out that grocery store aisle above in Central Market. So much g-free business I had to walk away without buying anything so as not to buy EVERYTHING. Whole Foods, you need to take a lesson from the greatest grocery store of all time. Alternately, Central Market — please come to California. You know you want to, especially in the summers.

So here’s where I dined, and you should too if you’re looking for a good gf time in the live music capital of the world.

On Falling Off the Wagon

Today I declared to my husband, “I’m about to fall off the wagon.” You see, we have reservations at this über hot restaurant in LA, and one of the chefs is related to a friend of my husband’s. Which means, amuse bouche and ridiculous desserts will be the name of the game. This is AWESOME. Unless you have celiac disease and can’t eat gluten. It’s amazing how gluten can seep into every damn thing. And when your villi look like someone took a chainsaw to the poor little things, you have to repair that shit before you can say, “Oh, maybe just this once.*”

So this is how my husband responded (picture soulful look in his eye): “I know you don’t remember how sick you were. But you were very, very, ill, and for a long time. You were miserable and it affected your entire life. It affected my life, it affected the kids.” (Dramatic pause) “It even affected the dog.”

It’s been about a few months since I did this to my cabinet:

Gluten-Free San Francisco

In addition to freezing my butt off, dining out was one of the biggest surprises of last week’s trip to San Francisco. Or rather, surprises that I should not have been surprised about AT ALL. Because everyone knows that a) SF is cold and foggy, and b) Those crazy hippies are way ahead of the curve when it comes to healthy eating. So gluten-free dining was not at all difficult, except for that one day when the kids only wanted bread products and I really, really didn’t.

My three most pleasant dining out experiences in the San Fran came in the form of soup, Vietnamese yumminess, and pizza. Also, a big shout out to all of our friends and family who went out of their ways to cook gf dishes that were incredibly delicious. LOVE the Bay Area vibe.

Gluten-Free Los Angeles: Susan Feniger’s Street

Dining out has lost a bit of its gluten-y luster since my celiac diagnosis, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to still try my darnedest to get my eat on without having to pull out my special g-free flour mixture and making a mess of my kitchen. That gets old, and fast.

Before I was told if I continued to eat gluten I could die, Susan Feniger’s Street was one of my fave LA dining spots. Their creative mix of ingredients to re-create street food from around the world is unlike anything I’ve ever seen, or tasted. Street is where it’s at, and that is that. Until I had to stop eating the gluten. Sigh.

However, Street surprised me by being so totally celiac-friendly, even while breaking my heart about not being able to eat their braised short ribs or sashimi. Hooray for nice restaurant people!

Tavern on the Green Already Sucked

But now we all know the Central Park eatery (I use the term loosely) employed major douchebags, as a former executive banquet chef  (does that mean he really only catered, not chef’d? ahem) Damian Cardone talks about how he loved to screw over people with celiac. Or just “idiots” as he likes to call all of us.

Cardone posted the following on his Facebook page:

Gluten free is bullshit!! Flour and bread have been a staple of life for thousands, THOUSANDS of years. People who claim to be gluten intolerent [sic] dont [sic] realize that its [sic] all in there [sic] disturbed little heads. People ask me for gluten free pasta in my restaurant all the time, I tell em sure, Then I serve serve em our pasta, Which I make from scratch with high gluten flour. And you know what? nothing, NOTHING! ever happens! People leave talking about how good they feel gluten free and guess what, They just had a full dose! Idiots!

God is Gluten-Free

It’s not enough that “gluten-free diet” was a hot search term on Yahoo! today (or Yahoooooooooo! as I like to call it), gluten free bizness is booming all around me, you guys!

Within the last month, not one, but two restaurants with gluten-free menus opened within two blocks of me. TWO! One specializes in random health food and the menu is clearly marked with gluten-free options. The other is a restaurant from heaven (or the SF Bay area — whatev) that just opened one location in all of Los Angeles. And it just so happens to be right around the corner from my very own house. Cafe Gratitude informed me that only one of their dishes even contains gluten, and so far I’m burning through all of the delicious options at that fab diner as fast as I can say, “I Am Grateful.”

While I will give the maker some love for making my gf life easier, I also have to let you all in on a little known secret.

I Hate Being a Pain in the Ass. But.

If you’ve been given the celiac disease diagnosis, you’ve most likely gotten your hands on The Gluten-Free Bibleby Jax Peters. And if you’re like me, you thought, “Lady, there’s no way in hell I’m marching into an Italian restaurant with my own bag of gluten-free pasta and asking them to cook it for me, only AFTER they’ve cleaned the pot.”

This advice, and many other suggestions, fly in the face of my ability to enjoy an evening out at a restaurant. You see, I like to make sure everyone is comfortable — and that includes the wait staff. I never send anything back, and I always make requests with a smile. Part of it is the fact that I’m not 100% comfortable with people “serving me,” especially people who don’t make a heck of a lot of money. I also have this unnatural fear of people spitting in my food — or worse. So dining out gluten-free has been incredibly uncomfortable since I’m no Jax Peters. But I just learned my lesson, the incredibly hard way.

LEGOLAND Is Soooo Gluten Free

Have you been looking for an amusement park experience, but are afraid you’ll starve to death in the middle of hamburgers, churros, and corn dogs? Well, have I got news for you, left-out celiac. LEGOLAND is all about the gluten-free eats, so much so they have a map showing you where you can pick up the gluten free specials on their web site, and it doesn’t even include all the gf goodies in the park! Holy buckwheat pancakes, allergy sufferers!

Exhibit A: As my kids ran for the hot dog stand, I decided I’d just have to wait until we could pry them away from the plastic park hours later in order to eat at one of the designated gf spots. So imagine my swooning when I spotted the sign in the photo above. That’s right, GLUTEN FREE BUNS AVAILABLE UPON REQUEST.