Gluten-Free Dishes Are the Effing Worst

Dirty dishes, I'm done with you.

For those of you who may not search for every single tax write-off in America, you may not be aware that gluten-free food is tax-deductible once you’ve got that handy-dandy celiac disease diagnosis. Even if you didn’t realize this, there’s no way you weren’t aware that your bank account started dwindling the second you started adding quinoa flour to your grocery list. My point being, eating gluten-free has other side effects besides that whole, “Hey! I don’t feel like I’m dying anymore!” thing. 1) You’ll be poor, and 2) You’ll be doing dishes all the goddamn time.

I, for one, am way over the never-ending pile of dishes in my house. I mean, we used to live in a house with no dishwasher and we never had stacks like this. Also, does anyone else have a dishwasher that runs for three hours? What the hell is that about? This dishwasher is supposedly fancy.

What’s so fancy about draining all of the water out of our house for half a day? Dishwasher, you’re a jerk.

If you’re reading this blog, you know that I do cook a lot. But if you’re dealing with eating gluten-free, you know that you have to cook a lot or simply drive through In ‘N’ Out and order The Flying Dutchman every night of the week. Don’t think I’m not contemplating that awesome idea.

The result is, tons of dishes everywhere I turn. Yes, I’m complaining about doing the dishes. What’s next, my whites aren’t so white?

Gluten-Free Hamburger Bun GORGE & Giveaway!

Meet the Happiest Girl in the World. (The Beer Helps.)

If you’ve been reading with any regularity (and if you haven’t, why the heck not?) you’ll know that I’ve been searching for a gluten-free way to eat a cheeseburger that doesn’t totally taste like chalk in my throat. A few months ago, I saw that Udi’s was putting said bun on the market, yet my local Whole Foods seems to hate me, and it was never there when I shopped. Why do you taunt me, Whole Foods on 3rd and Fairfax? How is it you can sell 25 brands of gluten-free all-purpose flour, yet only one gf hamburger bun, that’s really more like a biscuit?

And this is why I had to crash a party at BlogHer a few weeks ago, and cram a cheeseburger on an Udi’s gf bun right into my face. I would apologize to the Cheap Sally hosts for tricking their door people into admitting me and a plus one into the party, but let me tell you why I won’t: First of all, this party was being thrown by a handful of people, two of whom were Udi’s gluten-free greatness, and Lifetime Moms. Umm, my husband works for Lifetime, and gluten is my bitch. I should have been on the freaking VIP list. I should have been allowed to speak at this event. So I lied my way in and went to TOWN on the Udi’s products.

After seeing such an enthusiastic eater of their free goods, naturally, Udi’s followed up with me to first ask if I was okay after eating so many burgers and snickerdoodles, and then to see if I felt like sharing the news with readers. Heck yeah, I said. Here’s what went down in my house this weekend, gluten-free, and courtesy of Udi’s gluten-free buns. 

Gluten-Free Protein Drinks Are Going to Make Me Skinny Again

The sad fact  of celiac disease, is that apparently you don’t magically lose all that carb weight when you stop eating gluten. In fact, I was recently told that on average, newly diagnosed celiacs gain 20 pounds. NOT cool. Granted dropping 10 pounds in two months because I was sick sucked, but hey, I could fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes so . . . bonus? Gaining it all back is a huge, huge, bummer. Sure I could blame the gluten-free donuts, or the gluten-free beer, or maybe even the gluten-free deep-fried Kool-Aid, but I’m choosing to blame this random factoid told to me by a virtual stranger.

Which is why when the people at Svelte, a gluten-free, non-dairy protein drink sent me some samples to try I thought, why not? I could stand to lose a few and what’s better than a liquid diet? I’ll tell you what’s better, gluten-free fried Kool-Aid. But still, it’s time for me work it, people, so I asked an in-the-know friend what one does with a protein drink, exactly. Apparently you work out, then drink a protein drink to help build back that muscle, which in turn helps you burn fat more effectively. Additionally, he was stoked about Svelte because most protein drinks are not gluten-free. So there’s that!

I’m going for it. My new exercise plan includes re-commiting to my workouts with Richard Simmons, and when I’m at home doing this awesome routine:

Where Gluten Hides Out (Like the Jerk That It Is)

Unclean! Unclean!

One of the most annoying things about having celiac, is thinking you’re kicking ass by de-glutening your pantry, cooking g-free 24/7, then you go out to eat only to be blindsided by hidden gluten. (This also applies to well-meaning friends who, naturally, are not fully clued into the evil of gluten.)

So you go to a restaurant, or a BBQ, and say, “Hey, guys, sorry, but I’m all celiac and stuff so I can’t eat gluten.” Nice people say, “No problem, here’s what you can have!” Then you go home and get sick. You know why? Gluten is an evil mother scratcher, and this is where it hides:

Poor Celiacs Are Screwed

Just like a hoarder, I’m collecting all of my receipts to Whole Foods. Partially for tax reasons, and a little bit just to remind myself that I’ve got to cut spending elsewhere since I’m spending my entire salary on gluten-free groceries. I’ve said repeatedly, thank god I still don’t live in rural Oklahoma, and instead can take advantage of all of the gluten-free options a metropolis like LA has to offer. I should add to that thanks to the maker, and that my family can even afford the extra expense. So, thanks to Lifetime television network as well. There, I’m done being thankful.

When my buddy Jeanne Sager wrote on her blog, Inside Out, about people giving crappy food’esque products to food drives for the poor, it made me realize I had a duty, as a celiac who can even shop at places like Whole Foods, to bulk up my local food bank with some gf goodness. I can hear people snickering a little bit, because let’s face it, gluten-free eating is not always taken seriously.

Attention Celiacs! THIS is How You Eat Pasta

This gluten-free pasta recipe is a party in your mouth, so prepare to get down.

I’m sure it’s fab that I’ve ditched that starch on a regular basis now that I can’t have 90% of the pasta out in the universe. But when I want to get my pasta on, I go for it. Which is why I highly recommend this completely insane recipe for Pasta & Brie Magic (I just named it that!).

An awesome friend of mine first brought this olive oily, cheese-filled dish over to my house a few years ago — before I knew that regular old pasta could eventually kill me — and I was blown away. She didn’t have a recipe written down, but emailed some vague instructions which I’ve since experimented with and discovered the right mix. Before you dig into the recipe, and have a heart attack just by reading how much brie is involved, remember the note my bud gave to me: It never turns out too cheesy, but it can turn out too oily.

Now let’s talk about pasta. We are unbelievably lucky to live in a time where people make gluten-free pasta out of everything from quinoa to corn. You’re going to need to experiment until you find your favorite grain, and your favorite brand. I’m digging on Le Veneziane made in Italy right now. My entire family says it tastes exactly like normal gluten-filled pasta, and I totally agree. It’s made from corn flour, which I usually don’t love, but these Italians do know their noodles, and it blows away the competition.

Also, a gluten-free pasta cooking tip: No matter what the package says, unless I’m going for serious al dente, I always need to cook it a few minutes longer.

Here’s what you should be slathering all over that awesome g-free pasta:

I Ate That: Best Gluten-Free Crackers

Welcome to “I Ate That” where I daringly shove food down my gullet in the name of science. Or rather, in the name of finding a delicious substitute for my favorite gluten-y foods. Since I like to brag about eating crackers, it’s only fitting that I kick off this taste test with that one crunchy, wheaty, item that I honest-to-god could never live without: the cracker.

As a delivery system for cheese, you can do no better than a cracker. In fact, I say, could there be any higher honor for a food stuff? Table, saltines, seeded, baked, fried, sun dried . . . I’m not discriminating. I just need me some good crackers. Luckily, the cracker game is one that gluten-free is winning. In fact, there’s one cracker I would eat even if god herself came down and told me that I could gorge on gluten and never watch what I eat again.

Best Gluten-Free Beers for Summer Boozin’

Oh, beer. I miss you. Or rather, I miss the idea of you (but IPAs, I do actually miss the drinking of you, a hell of a lot).

But ever since I found out beer is chock full o’ gluten I’ve been gazing fondly at the Sierra Nevada, and lamenting the fact that I can never, truly, enjoy visiting Portland, Oregon again. Luckily in the ever-expanding world of gluten-free goodies, there are a few people out there making a valiant effort in the world of beer. Sorghum is usually the grain of choice, as you can see in this display at Whole Foods, which admittedly, made me a little giddy.

However, all beers are not created equal, and that goes for the healthy for celiac versions as well. In my expert opinion*, these are the tops.

Mother’s Day Edition: Having a Celiac Diagnosis, Changes Everything

I just celebrated my sixth Mother’s Day — holy crap! And my first as a gluten-denier. It turns out, that whole celiac diagnosis changed everything about my special day. Everything! First of all, here’s my Mother’s Day present from my husband, and I guess my kids. Although the two-year-old isn’t much of a shopper, so I’m suspicious about his involvement —

Please Send Donuts

Dunkin', you fair temptress . . .

I just saw a recipe for homemade donuts. Not gluten-free, but white-flour filled, glaze-covered, and (I’m assuming, but hey, how would I know since I’m a mother scratchin’ celiac) delicious. So I charged the grocery store to buy supplies and create my own version of donuts. Instead of just grabbing my usual gluten-free all-purpose flour, I combined a flour mixture from Carol Fenster’s 100 Best Gluten-Free Recipes, as her particular blend seems to work best with baking. Then I pulled up a recipe from The Pioneer Woman and created these gluten-free bad boys.

Honestly, it took me all of fifteen minutes from reading the recipe to hitting the store. I had no idea how much I missed sugary, fluffy yet crispy, fried balls of dough. But oh I miss them. Oh. I. Miss. Those. Effers. Then it took me about three days to pull together the most labor intensive goodies I’ve ever made. And my poor kitchen will never be the same. I should have taken a picture of that, to really give you the inside scoop on how to make gluten-free donuts.

In addition to that whole finding the perfect gf flour issue, I have no dough hook, unlike The Pioneer Woman of Perfection. So where she used a dough hook, I used my old standby — the electric hand mixer. I also threw out my deep fat fryer in a health kick a few years ago, but am now 100% inspired to get another one — industrial sized. Cooking up donuts in a cast iron skillet is cool and old-school, but how much faster would I have been done if I could have just thrown them in the fry basket? A lot faster.

So here’s what I cobbled together via The Pioneer Woman, via The Stir, with my gf adjustments. Was it worth it? Let’s find out, shall we?