Make a Gluten-Free Frappucino Your Own Damn Self

Because Starbucks is not going to do it for you. Or maybe they will, but they won’t tell you it’s actually gluten-free. Hey, maybe they already do, but who knows? Yes, I’m talking smack about Starbucks again. It’s like Sbucks is the popular girl and I’m just jealous. Therefore, I’m doing what any pissy tween does — copying.

I totally set up a coffee bar in my kitchen! Please do come by. It’s really effing pleasant in here. See?

The kind of ridiculous thing is (as if me trying to recreate Starbucks drinks in my own home out of spite isn’t ridiculous enough) is that the frap is so easy to make. I really am considering opening up a drive-thru window on the side of my house and serving gluten-free frappucinos to the rebels. I mean, why not? Other than cranky bloggers attacking me for having Cheerios hanging out right next to my KitchenAid.

Also, my frappucino was missing one thing, and that was espresso. But if you cut down my coffee ingredient by 1/4 and use espresso instead, you’ll have more of the real thing. I say, however, cook with what you’ve got. Which is also why I used agave syrup to sweeten instead of real sugar. But you, my friend, can use whatever sugar you enjoy. I also only used 4 tablespoons, and if you really want to kick the sweet up a notch, I would go for 1/2 cup.

Do it.

R.I.P. Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte

I used to love you, but you tried to kill me.

So here’s some good, and horrible, news. I do believe I’ve — at least partially — gotten to the bottom of some of my gluten’ing.  Thanks to lovely reader Katherine Kelley, I discovered wheat starch in my generic Tylenol from Safeway. Imagine that! Thanks for that tip I would have never, ever, considered that, Katherine. And seriously, WTF?

Additionally, and this totally falls under the “shame on me” category, there’s gluten in my Skinny Vanilla Latte. Apparently I’m the kind of gal who has to learn hard lessons biannually, as I clearly forgot why I swore I would never go back to Starbucks. (Also, I just know I’ll be in line again before the week is out. What’s wrong with me? Don’t answer that.) Here’s the response I received when I asked Starbucks HQ about my go-to treat, since the people actually working in Starbucks did not seem to be clued into the gluten scene:

Why Starbucks Can Suck It

Delicious Yet Deadly

I’ll admit it. I was on a holiday high last weekend. My adorable family of four was all together. We were going to movies, we were eating tons of good food, we were rolling about on our shag carpet, and just enjoying checking out. Yeah, that’s what we do.

So I was feeling cocky. I blew into Starbucks and ordered up a Gingerbread Latte. Big mistake.

I will say this. I did a perfunctory check with the barista. “Umm, do you have the nutritional information? Or a list of the allergens in this drink?” The banged cuteness responded as weakly as I did, “Ummm, no. I don’t think so.” At that point I knew I was taking my health into my own hands. But damn, I wanted some gingerbread. It’s mother scratching Christmas, you guys. And I wanted some gingerbread up in here.

So I took that calorie-laden bucket of goodness home and started to drink it. But first, I thought I’d check online. As if.