I’m On a Highway to Gluten

But maybe the ride will be nice . . .

Well. Actually I’m flying all about the country, so technically not a highway. Unless you want to call it a highway in the sky. Which maybe we do! The point is, damn I’m a travellin’ fool and I have not even stopped to tell you lovely people much of anything. Not even about the fantastic gluten-free meals I was able to have in New York City and how I navigated three boroughs without getting the least bit sick! (More on that amazingess later.)

Then how I’ve been planning basically the best party ever in one of my former hometowns of Austin, Texas at my older brother’s restaurant, Frank, and how it’s going to be a paradise of gluten-freeness. A PARADISE. See?

Gluten-Free Santa Barbara: Tupelo Junction

Hey, you mothers. I hope you had a fabulous day celebrating your mom-ness. I certainly did as my husband and kids kind of rocked it.  A lot. We also got out of town for some family bizness, and I got to explore Santa Barbara again and its fare for those of us special types. While my mother-in-law always grabs an amazoid gluten-free pie or quiche from Simply Pies, the husband and I enjoy a night out or three when we’re also in the company of a grandma babysitter. So out we went.

It’s always a risk to dig into Southern (American) food when you’re in Southern California. Add that whole gluten thing to the list of requirements, and it’s downright dangerous. Hell, I have a whole cookbook filled with gluten-free Southern food because it’s incredibly difficult to find. Incredibly.

When my husband made a reservation at Tupelo Junction in Santa Barbara I was suspicious. After all, I’d enjoyed some lovely fried chicken there years ago when were visiting from New York and first dating, and long before I was no longer allowed to shove gluten in my fried chicken hole. But guess what? That SoCal gluten-free friendly thing came in very handy as the menu was marked with items that could be made gluten-free! Like that lovely Red Beans and Rice with roasted corn, tomatoes, greens and shallots and Tupelo Honey Vinaigrette Salad w/roasted sunflower seeds pictured above. GF, baby. Also gf?

Gluten-Free Disneyland is Challenging, Still Magical

Why yes these ARE gluten-free Mickey waffles

Okay, so no one goes to Disneyland for the food. Well, unless you’re able to eat gluten and then you line up for churros and shove them in your churro hole. For those of us who can’t eat gluten Disneyland may be a friendly place, but you still need to be prepared, because shit can get real.

Here’s the thing. When you take two kids to Disneyland it’s all about them. Even if you’re on the hunt for gluten-free goods you’ve got to take a detour to Tomorrowland, slide on through to Fantasyland, race through Frontierland, and stop in Critter Country before they melt down across the way at California Adventure after waiting in line for TWO FREAKING HOURS to take a ride at Radiator Springs. Two hours you guys. Or two hours and an extra 15-20 which we’re pretending didn’t happen because there’s no excuse for that kind of waiting, even if your son has been talking about Cars Land for over a year and all he wanted for his birthday was to go to mother scratchin’ Cars Land, and he happened to be puking his brains out on his birthday so his birthday party was delayed one week. Have you ever been in a line for ANYTHING for two-and-a-half hours? I didn’t think so. Because you’re smarter than we are.

After all of that, mama is hungry and Flo’s is only serving breakfast. And while this gluten-free breakfast may look appetizing-

Dudes, it’s not. It tasted just like that Air Canada gluten-free breakfast I had, yet I was still at California Adventure instead of on my way to Paris.

So I was starving, and freaking out about gluten while my kids were all, “Where’s Goofy???!!!!” and “Mama, why are you crying?”

Still, there are options. Lots of options, because anytime you sidle up to an eatery and declare your gluten-freeness, a chef comes out to make sure you are taken care of in a safe way. Which is great. Because if you have just a little bit of patience, and aren’t in a super duper rush, every Disneyland restaurant and hotel has gluten-free options.

This especially comes in handy when everyone else was able to at Redd Rocket’s Pizza Port but no, you waited until you got back to the hotel room because yes, they have gluten-free pizza but it will take a while, and the rest of your family is about to melt down and MUST EAT NOW AND THEN PASS OUT. So at least when we went to crash, I could still order this from room service-

Gluten-Free Paris: Le Coq Rico, La Maison Rose & Moi

I’m back from the land of the meat, cheese, and cigarillo and wow, am I hungry. My hunch, that I later ignored, was in fact correct:  Paris is not so gluten-free. No matter, my friends! In spite of 9 days filled with longing, a pregnancy scare, getting kicked out of a market, one broken foot*, and having a hand in losing my husband’s iPhone within 12 hours of his arrival, Paris was awesome. Why? Because Paris is awesome. Everyone knows this. I’m not sure why we’re even discussing it.

Even though every place on my gluten-free “must go” list was on vacation (Helmut Newcake opens up again today, FYI you lucky gluten-free Parisians), I still ferreted out some places for you to grab a meal that won’t make you sick. Two, in fact! Three if you’re counting the one buckwheat crepe I found in all of Paris. Let’s count it!

Gluten-Free Airline Food Illustrated

So here’s something that happens all of the time. I hear the news that someone, somewhere, is offering gluten-free sustenance.  I get way excited.  Said gluten-free food sucks the big one. Then, I’m left feeling grateful yet depressed.  I don’t really know if I say, “Hey good job on that thing you totally suck at,” or take the other tack of, “Are you effing kidding me? You think you can cash in on this trend with this shit?”

Le sigh.

This particular trip I just took put me in this particular bind yet again.  However, the first time I flew to Europe via Canada, I was very pleasantly surprised at the gluten-free meal. This one (not the one seen above, more on that later).

Gluten-Free Paris: Musee D’Orsay

So yeah, so far it’s been, ummm, challenging to eat gluten-free in the Paris. Part of it is I want to be like, “Come on people, just give me a steak without the au poivre, can you?” And then go find that magical gluten-free buckwheat crepe people have been talking about it.

My expectations were perhaps, a bit high.

But don’t feel sorry for moi! I just had gelato and coffee from a French press in my rented apartment in Montmartre. See?

Which brings me to vacation rule #1 for the gluten-free: If ice cream is what you want, ice cream is what you get. While technically what I wanted was a buckwheat crepe, or another amazingly delicious jambon et fromage omelette — but this time without the gluten — I settled for gelato stracciatella.

And here is vacation rule #2 which comes from my husband’s Aunt Mimi: If all else fails, enjoy a museum and a salad. Turns out, that’s exactly what I did yesterday and it was pretty danged amazing.

Gluten-Free Care Packages Are Here!

So this is a thing. Someone had the genius idea of curating a gluten-free box of snacks and sending them to your house once a month. Sure you could drive all over town and shop online to find all of these yummies in one place, but how much easier is it to have it arrive on your doorstep? Lots easier, that’s how much.

Especially if you’re a broke college student with a gluten problem. You’ve got to fend off the pizza delivery some way, so how about some Good Cookies? You’ve also got your mac and cheese, your bars, your pretzels. Really, you’re gluten-free set in the dorm.

Of course as an adult I can only do so much snacking, so I’m psyched the good people at GFreely sent me this box right before I fly across the universe. This way I can totally justify hoarding all of these munchies for myself. Have you had these Halfpops? Oddly delicious. But there’s more good news.

Air Canada Has Got Gluten-Free Going ON

I’ve made no secret of the insane preparation I go through before heading to the airport. If by insane, I mean, packing enough delicious gluten-free baked goods to make me forget the hellacious journey that is air travel today. Since I’m about a week away from hauling myself on a 14-hour flight, I’ve been contemplating exactly how many muffins one can stuff into a carry-on. Not as many as you might think, turns out.

For this very special trip, I decided to check into the business of eating on the flight. I know. I can hear you laughing already. However, those Canucks know how to treat a celiac. Because Air Canada has a gluten-free in-flight meal, you guys. A GLUTEN-FREE MEAL!

And I thought just going to Paris would be exciting.

Listen, I don’t have any illusions as to the quality of said meal. But an airline that serves Cadbury chocolate as a snack, just might have figured out how to please their international travelers. (I realize this optimism about food in the air can only be matched by a teenage backpacker headed to Europe circa 1995.)

Sure I’m lucky enough to be flying O’Canada, but what about the rest*? What’s up American? Let’s see, shall we?

Gluten-Free Austin: Thundercloud Subs & The Usuals

Also gluten-free. Also from Austin.

Of course it makes zero sense to travel to Austin, Texas in July. Yet, I just did! It was my mom’s birthday this weekend, so I braved the scorching temperatures and mosquito attacks and ate myself gluten-free silly in the Celiac Capital of the World. And thanks to ATX Gluten-Free, I made a discovery of epic proportions: My favorite sub shop can be enjoyed by the intolerant. Woooooot! (Okay, second favorite but Delaware Subs is still loving that gluten.)

While I hit the usual spots that are totally gluten-free friendly (Frank, Guero’s) and braved the very, very, very, not gluten-friendly (Chuy’s, Threadgill’s), I made a few new discoveries this trip. One, is that the Omni Hotel has a pool on the roof! Thanks, Ginger. Oh, and they also offer gluten-free toast and the like at their breakfast buffet. Two, Alamo Drafthouse has a gluten-free designation on their menu, and they serve up a gluten-free beer! Three, the new’ish Whole Foods on S. Lamar is the most amazing store in the entire world. And four, Thundercloud Subs has just satisfied my year-and-a-half longing to walk into a sub shop and order a delicious turkey and cheese sammy. Lookee.

Say Goodbye to Your Favorite Restaurant, Celiacs

At least one of us could eat the chips

You know when you know something, but you don’t really want to know it so you just ignore it and hope it goes away? That’s kind of how I felt about Chuy’s, my formerly favorite restaurant in Austin, Texas (besides, Frank, obvs). The quirky Elvis-loving home of gen-u-ine Tex-Mex, I never missed an opportunity to enjoy a swirl margarita and my favorite burrito when I was in town, which is of course, smothered in queso. (Not the margarita — never the margarita.)

Sure I go around saying that Mexican food is a good friend to the gluten intolerant, and it is. But Tex-Mex relies so often on the flour tortilla, that it is in fact, your enemy. That’s right, I said it. Tex-Mex is your enemy. Go ahead and put Tex-Mex on your shit list. A fact which was proven when I dared to return to Chuy’s (not to be confused with Chevy’s) last night.