Perhaps you’ve noticed a lack of the bitching about gluten this week. That would be because my bitching hole has been busy getting rid of anything that might exist inside my stomach. Yep, stomach flu, or maybe some food poisoning, or maybe just some, “You know I hate you, right?” from my evil intestines. But here’s the thing. Getting a stomach ailment when you already have celiac, or any type of allergy or intolerance, is total bullshit. Which is why that is rule number one.
Gluten-Free Rule #1: No stomach illnesses allowed (outside of the already debilitating gluten-activated variety)
Listen, body. I’ve had enough of this mid-range attack. From here on out, let’s be fair. You want to break my leg? Go for it. Head cold? Sure! Good old-fashioned body lice? Why not? (Ed note: I’ll tell you why not, that’s totally disgusting.) But LEAVE THE STOMACH ALONE. I’ve paid my dues with that particular organ, and I’m done with having it attacked. DONE. Back the hell off bacteria, and head towards my toenails or something.
Although I do have to say I’ve learned something from this week of pain. One, when you’ve got a crap immune system, germs are going to get into you. Even if they leave the rest of your delightful family alone. (Nice work, lucky jerks.) And two, maybe the next time you bite into something that tastes funny, you stop eating rather than saying, “Hey, does this taste weird to you?” as you finish your bacon.
Sure, I may be sensitive now with this whole business, but it’s still supremely rude for someone or something to go for your jugular, when your jugular is located in your eating area. Not cool, germs. NOT COOL.
What other rules should we lay down? Bring ’em.
*I really just have this one rule for now. But three sounded better. But I’m sure I’ll come up with more. As soon as I stop puking.